The Dichotomy of Control: What You Can Change, What You Can't

last time we explored what it means to live in accordance with nature using reason as our guide today we take up the most fundamental tool for putting that principle into practice the dichotomy of control this idea drawn from the very first lines of epictetus' handbook is the foundation upon which a tranquil and effective life is built it's not complicated some things are up to us and some things are not what is up to us are our own actions our judgments our choices our desires and diversions in short our inner world what is not up to us is well almost everything else your body your possessions your reputation the actions of other people

the outcome of world events these are external to your will the common misunderstanding is that this leads to passivity that the stoic simply shrugs and accepts whatever happens this is false the distinction is not about resignation it's about strategy it is a diagnostic tool for applying your energy where it can have an effect wasting effort trying to command the uncontrollable is not just futile it is the very source of most of our anxiety frustration and disappointment let's make this practical imagine a project at work you've poured your heart into is suddenly canceled by management the decision to cancel it is not in your control raging against the executives complaining endlessly to colleagues this

is struggling against reality the stoic response is to pause and apply the dichotomy what is in my control my professionalism the quality of my work on the next assignment my choice to learn from the experience rather than be embittered by it you focus your entire effort there or consider a close friend who is making choices you believe are self destructive their decisions are not in your control you cannot force them to change so what is you can offer your honest counsel clearly and calmly once you can choose to be a stable supportive presence if they need help you can control whether you enable their behavior or maintain your own boundaries your peace of mind doesn't

have to depend on their choices one more you receive an unexpected health diagnosis the existence of the illness is an external fact not in your control but your response is entirely within it you can learn about the condition you can follow medical advice with discipline you can manage your thoughts about it choosing not to catastrophize you can decide how you will live a meaningful life with this new reality the illness happens to you how you bear it is up to you this isn't about apathy it is the opposite it is about an intense focused engagement with the world but only on the parts of it that are yours to command it's about refusing to waste

a single drop of energy on what is not this is the art of the possible it is the discipline of focusing on your own moves on the board not on the moves of your opponent or the roll of the dice so the next time you feel that familiar friction of anxiety or anger stop ask the question which elements here are mine to control and which are not direct your full attention to what is yours your thoughts your actions your character that is the entire practice it is where your power lies and it is more than enough now this clean division is a powerful starting point but you may already be thinking of situations that don't fit so neatly things that seem partially but not completely in our control an exam a job interview a relationship

next time we will address this we will build on this foundation by exploring what some call the trichotomy of control and learn how to skillfully navigate that crucial middle ground